Words of Wisdom Dump

16 10 2013

A running list of my Words of Wisdom from the Baseball Press Podcasts:

-Work hard, be smart, and keep your ear to the grindstone

-Three of the qualities of the most respected people in the world are honesty, directness, and integrity.  So if you can learn how to fake those, you’ll be just fine

-Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Put them in the fridge, or they’ll go bad.

-Help control the pet population- don’t let your pet meet strangers on Facebook

-Whether it’s drinks or women or whatever your vice, the key is moderation.  But not too much moderation.

-If you want a date to go well, do what I do: use a nice, silk table cloth, set out the finest silver and glassware, prepare only the choicest cuts of meat, and of course only drink the most expensive box of wine you can find.

-No matter how old you are, it’s always important to have dreams… even if it’s that one where you’re at school in your underwear

-No matter how true it is or how proud of it you are, it’s never a good idea to list on a job application that you have a strong “pimp hand”.

-With Sex and the City 2 coming out, now is the time to get tickets… and by tickets, I mean plane tickets to go to Vegas and party with your buddies while your wives are busy seeing the movie.

-If you can’t find happiness at the bottom of a bottle of beer, try switching to cans.

-If you can’t say anything nice, then you’re probably going to grow up to be a complete jerk

-If you get in an argument with a soccer fan, remind him that baseball games don’t typically end in ties

-If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  If life gives you lemonade, throw some vodka in- it’s cocktail time.  But in honor of safe driving month, don’t drink and drive, stumble home like the rest of us.

-In baseball, as in life, it’s always important to keep track of your balls

-Nothing good in life ever comes cheap, except for ramen noodles, which are awesome.

-It’s always important to control your anger and not take it out on your coworkers, especially when you have friends and family you can take it out on instead.

-In honor of Independence Day, I’d like to invite everyone out there to do something patriotic.  You can raise a flag.  You can donate some time to a worthwhile charity.  Or you can do what I do every year and get a big group of people together and reenact the James Brown “Living in America” part from Rocky IV.

-Be careful what you buy in bulk.  If you buy massive amounts of toilet paper or deodorant, people will make certain assumptions about you.

-Whenever you have to deal with someone who is really irritating, just remember that there are at least six other people in the world who are more annoying… and I happen to work with all of them.

-Even in these tough economic times, it’s not smart to save money by cutting your own hair.  But if you do, you should probably use scissors and a comb instead of using a lighter and wet paper towels like I did.

-Never let yourself get too arrogant or overconfident, because there’s always a person out there who’s smarter, cooler, and better-looking than you… and that person is me, Dan Port.

-Never trust a man with less than ten teeth, less than two eyebrows, or more than one cell phone.

-The best gift that you can give someone is the gift of friendship.  But that seems pretty cheap, so you might want to at least pick up a card on the way home.

-There are some questions in life that have no right answer, like:  if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there, does it make a sound?  Or if a girl you’re dating asks how much you think she weighs.

-Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish, and he’ll spend every weekend getting drunk in a boat with his buddies.

-Please don’t be one of these people who say they like “all types of music”, because unless you listen to calypso, acid jazz, and Mongolian throat singing like I do, you’re just a liar.

-If you buy a gift for someone and their party is cancelled, it’s perfectly acceptable to keep it for yourself.  And that’s the story of how I got my Dora the Explorer backpack.

-Don’t bite off more than you can chew, unless you’re one of those snakes that can dislocate its jaw and swallow things whole, in which case, thanks for listening to the podcast.

-Never let a girl come between you and your friends, family, or career, unless she’s like really, really, REALLY hot.

-It’s very hard to look masculine drinking something from a straw, unless you happen to be drinking the blood of your enemies.

-You’re only as old as you… are indicated to be on your birth certificate or government-issued photo ID.

-Live life like you’re gonna die, because you’re gonna.  And if you drive like an idiot, it’ll probably be pretty soon.

-What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but you can always steal the towels, the soaps, and the ashtrays from your hotel room.

-Don’t talk on your cell phone in a public bathroom, especially if you’re in a Chinese, seafood, or Mexican restaurant.

-Time heals all wounds, but you might want to go ahead and invest in a good health insurance, just in case.

-While it’s true that a penny saved is a penny earned, unless you want to work until you’re like a thousand, you might want to put more than that in your 401k every month.

-Physical fighting is only childish and stupid if you’re bad at it.

-If you only see one movie this year, go see The Social Network.  Also, you might want to try to see more than one movie in a year.

-Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy nachos and beer.  So, you know, there’s always that.

-To financial investors: if they do end up legalizing marijuana, be sure to put your money in all the right places.  My recommendations would be PepsiCo, which owns Frito Lay, who makes Cheetos, and also a company called Yum Brands which owns Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut.

-If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  If it is broke, you probably shouldn’t try to fix it either because you’ll just make it worse.  Call somebody.

-There’s nothing wrong with regifting, but there are a few things you should avoid regifting: 2010 calendars, personally monogrammed items, and perishable food items.

-At your company Christmas party, be sure to drink responsibly and behave yourselves or you might end up with an embarrassing nickname.  Take it from me, Dan “Puke Pants” Port.

-Given the option, always go with an artificial Christmas tree.  Aside from being cheaper in the long run and not posing a fire hazard, you won’t have to clean up any needles after the holidays.  Unless your relatives are messy heroin addicts- then you’ll have to clean up lots of needles.

-It’s always important to celebrate the holidays, even if you’re away from home.  This year, I was visited by three ghosts who wanted to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.  But that was pretty boring, so we all just got drunk on eggnog and went to a strip club instead.

(End of 2010)

-Despite their name and tasty colors, urinal cakes are not, in fact, delicious.  Trust me on this.

-You’ll attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, but if you’re trying to attract flies, you may want to consider a new hobby.

-Never bring a knife to a gun fight.  You could, however, bring a gun to a knife fight.  However, if you’re getting into all these fights, you may want to consider a change in lifestyle.

-There are three simple things that will make a beautiful woman at a bar interested in you: nice hair, nice shoes, and a nice attitude.  If you don’t have at least two of these, you might want to stop drinking and start looking for an Adam’s apple, because that might not be a woman.

-The best revenge is living well, but prank phone calls and toilet papering someone’s house is pretty good too.

-When life presents you with a tough decision, it’s always good to listen to your heart.  But not literally- it won’t help you and it just makes like a steady beating sound.

-Life moves pretty face- if you don’t tell people you’re dying and steal a Ferrari once in a while, you could miss it.

-The only stupid question is one that is never asked, but before you ask someone, you might want to go ahead and try Googling it first.

-If you’re out at a bar and you see a girl and you tell the bartender you’re going to go hit on her, be sure he hears the word “on” or you might find yourself surrounded by bouncers pretty quickly.

-There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.  And bears.  Bears are really scary.

-You want to scotch-guard all your furniture, because if there’s anything you want to avoid, it’s those unsightly scotch stains.

-It’s perfectly fine if you never see eye-to-eye with others, especially if you’re really really tall like I am.

-Sticks and stones may break your bones, so don’t get into fights when you’re out camping.

-Actions always speak louder than words, but if you yell into a megaphone it might be kind of close.

-If you can’t afford to leave a decent tip, you can’t afford to be there.

-Poker tips: fold early and often, don’t overplay mediocre hands, and if you wear sunglasses at the $2 table people are gonna make fun of you… especially me.

-Despite the old adage, fighting fire with fire won’t work and will definitely ruin that backyard barbeque.

-Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and really really boring.  So don’t be afraid to stay out late.

-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you’re colorblind- then it’s a slightly brighter shade of grey.

-If you ever think a drink is too strong, it’s not.  You’re just too weak.

-It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, it only matters whether I win or lose.

-Never tell a girl she needs more makeup, unless she’s a clown, a mime, or she’s going to be a zombie or something for Halloween.

-Never hit a man with glasses, because glasses don’t do a lot of damage.  Hit him with bottles instead, or bricks if you can get them.

-Dating is a lot like being a major league pitcher- you always want to be starting, setting up, or closing, and you never want to end up being the mop up guy.

-There’s greatness inside of each and every one of us, so be careful about sneezing, pooping, or vomiting too much because it might leak out.

-Good things come to those who wait, but yelling and making a big scene works too.

-Getting a tattoo is a great way to express your love and affection for someone because nothing says love like something that only be removed by bloody surgery or lasers.

-Most shoes can be fixed with duct tape and staples, but for fashionable shoes check out Zappos.com

-The most painful thing you can do to yourself is lose confidence and self-respect, but badly stubbing your toe on a coffee table is a close second.

-If you’re on the treadmill at the gym and listening to a game on your headphones, be careful that you don’t yell “nice!” right when the woman in front of you bends over to stretch.

-One of the worst things you can do in a tense situation is panic, but the absolute worst thing you can do is to panic, then vomit, then slip and fall face-first in the vomit.

-If you ever get caught picking your nose in public, at least try to scoop out something impressive like a playing card or your car keys.

-There are some things you shouldn’t do when you’re in a rush.  Shaving is one of them, particularly if you’re shaving somewhere other than your face.

-If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with, or just stalk that person and use scare tactics to make them love you.

-A great new activity I love is Frisbee golf, but get good clubs because it’s really hard to hit a Frisbee very far.

-Never buy a drink for a strange woman, because strange means weird and you don’t want to buy drinks for weird people.

-Don’t use whiskey stones if you enjoy chewing your ice cubes.

-They say close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.  Personally I love horseshoes and hand grenades- there’s nothing more fun to play with at a company picnic.

-If you’re not a fan of home security systems, just do what I do and don’t keep anything valuable in your home at any time.

-Faking a peanut allergy isn’t as funny as you’d think, particularly on a crowded airplane.

-If you can totally remember the craziest night of your life, it probably wasn’t really the craziest night of your life.

-Never tell your buddy how hot his mom is, particularly if you’re giving a speech at her 60th birthday party.

-There’s greatness inside of each and every one of us, so be careful about sneezing, pooping, or vomiting because some might leak out.

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