Overanalysis: Rich Guy Shows, Part Two- Shark Tank

22 05 2012

On the surface, ABC’s Shark Tank appears to be just another “panel” reality show in the mold of American Idol, America’s Next Top Model, and any number of other programs in which amateurs present their work to a panel of sassy judges in hopes of getting a contract or deal of some kind.  And really, that’s what Shark Tank is, but it is so, so much more than that, and the show is very worthy of overanalysis by nerdos like me.

Shark Tank is the American adaptation of an overseas and Canadian program called Dragons’ Den.  The concept is pretty simple:   a few filthy rich investors listen to pitches from inventors and small business entrepreneurs and decide if they want to invest their own money (and possibly their time and expertise) in exchange for company equity.

Not a bad idea, really, but it sounds pretty humdrum.  Financial transactions are not exactly edge-of-your-seat excitement, as anyone who has spent an hour in line at their local branch can attest.

The real “hook” here is that this is not a stuffy business meeting.  Some of these ideas are brilliant.  Some are awful.  This one, for example, is so ridiculous that even Robert, the “nice” shark, absolutely shreds it.

As you can see, the sharks can be quite a group of characters.  You may have noticed the mean bald-headed guy dripping with sarcasm in that clip.   His name is Kevin O’Leary and he’s like a cross between Bill Gates, Daniel Plainview, and Scrooge McDuck.

One of these guys is a cartoonish, bloodthirsty tycoon who will do anything in pursuit of a dollar. The other is a duck.

While there is a rotating panel of sharks, in the more recent (and honestly, better) episodes, the group usually consists of FUBU clothing magnate Daymond John, Manhattan real estate mogul Barbara Corcoran, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, technology investor Robert Herjavec, and the aforementioned Kevin O’Leary.

The trickiest thing about a show like this is that it forces the sharks to forever toe the line between savior and villain, since they could potentially rescue and revive companies or crush the dreams of optimistic inventors who have staked their livelihoods on an idea or small business model.

Most of the sharks do a pretty decent job of this.  Corcoran often plays the role of a sympathetic motherly shark, usually offering encouragement (even to horrible ideas, like the sticky note one above) and, when not interested in investing, will even offer an easy out like “it’s not an industry I know anything about” or “I just don’t personally like the product.”  It’s a kind way to let them down, certainly, when compared to a more general condemnation.

Daymond John doesn’t stray too far from Corcoran’s method, though he will get argumentative and hard-nosed when the situation calls for it.  He isn’t overly outspoken, but he shows himself as incredibly savvy when it comes to product distribution strategies and he rarely dismisses anything too quickly.  Indeed, coming from an urban minority background and making a fairly unlikely fortune by catering to that demographic seems to have made him keen to spotting the next FUBU around the corner.  He is certainly smart enough to know that it doesn’t come along very much, but he appears determined to notice it if it does.

Mark Cuban is easily the most famous of the panelists but, oddly enough, the most middle-of-the-road in terms of his decisions and demeanor.  It isn’t unusual for a business pitch to focus specifically on Cuban as a conduit for promotion or expansion (sometimes very transparently) but he mainly sits back and speaks only when he is addressed directly.  His role on the show is a welcome deviation from his public rep as the obnoxious, loud, referee-berating courtside owner of the Mavericks and, either by design or coincidence, it makes his more reserved statements just that much more interesting.  Overall though, he’s a softy.  A prime example of this is when he is directly pitched a product called the “Profender”, which over-complicates and adds a horribly unwieldy component to the simple act of simulating a basketball defender’s hand.  Cuban is all smiles and no one trashes what is, in this writer’s opinion, a terrible and wildly expensive product.

[Side note: I worked for the USC men's basketball team for two years and I can honestly say that I could not imagine trying to use one of these Profenders in a practice.  Aside from the massive cost difference between a $10 broom and a $200 or $500 Profender, the awkward need to slide the wheels across the floor are a disaster waiting to happen.  It would only take one incident of rolling that thing into a player's ankle to get the Profender banned and the company possibly sued, not to mention my ass getting fired for causing the injury.  To me, the Profender feels like those kitchen devices designed to easily microwave an egg- it over-complicates a simple thing and fills a very, very small niche.]

The crux of Shark Tank‘s entertainment really lies with Kevin O’Leary and Robert Herjavec (both of whom appeared on the Canadian CBC edition of Dragons’ Den).

While O’Leary seizes his role of the villain with gusto and dishes out phrases like “Don’t cry over money because it never cries over you” and “To me you’re radioactive”, Herjavec takes a lighter approach.  He is just as outspoken as O’Leary (and sometimes more outspoken) and will critique his fellow sharks’ decisions nearly as much, but comes across far more as the cool Uncle Donald to O’Leary’s mean Uncle Scrooge.

Thankfully this blog isn’t popular enough for Disney to sue me.

It’s easy to see why these two were carried over into the U.S. version of the show.  O’Leary carries the sarcastic nickname of “Mr. Wonderful” and is willing to ham up his cold-heartedness just enough to make him loathsome but likeable in that Jack Sparrow or Tony Stark sort of way, mainly because deep down we suspect it’s just an act.  Herjavec and O’Leary are not always foils, but the show really strikes a certain vibe when they are and, at times, they absolutely carry the program.  O’Leary’s actions suggest he might want to be a bit of a TV star, and watching him verbally carve up hopeful entrepreneurs makes me really with that he could take Donald Trump’s place on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice (overanalyzed last week).

With Herjavec, however, there don’t seem to be any less-than-genuine moments.  If he tells you an idea is bad, or that your deal valuation is off, you believe him because you expect him to level with you.  Even if he rejects a product or idea, he’ll usually find something positive to say about it, and if he doesn’t and he honestly thinks you need to give it up and try something else, he’ll say it.  I can’t locate a clip, but on more than one occasion he basically says “You’re smart, you have other ideas- this isn’t the one that makes you.”

O’Leary’s and Herjavec’s differing styles are most apparent in the first pitch in this clip.

And overall, that clip illustrates what really makes a show like Shark Tank so addictive and watchable:  hope struggling versus acknowledgement of failure.  It’s a microcosm of not only the American dream but the worldwide dream of using your wits and sweat to make yourself into something, even if you start modestly (in the show’s intro, they mention that Herjavec is the son of an immigrant factory worker, and that makes you like and trust him even more).

Sure, there’s plenty of schadenfreude in seeing ridiculous pitches, and there’s a lot of joy in critiquing what others could have done to land a deal, but as cheesy as it sounds, the biggest fun is seeing something you (even kind of) believe in- something that makes you step back and say “hey, that’s cool, hope it works out for them.”

But yeah, if that doesn’t get you, O’Leary (and the rest) dropping some sharp one-liners certainly will.  (Jump to 3:30 to see both Herjavec and O’Leary get particularly harsh.)

It’s a fun show, ain’t it?





Overanalysis: Rich Guy Shows, Part One- Celebrity Apprentice

8 05 2012

I don’t watch a lot of reality television.  The manufactured drama is often intolerable, and watching unlikable people battle for the title of Top Attention Whore has never been my thing.  I got four minutes into a viewing of Jersey Shore before giving up- I hated everyone.  If I want to watch people I hate, I’ll watch a political debate.  If I hate everyone, there are no stakes.  With no stakes, there’s no real drama.  Not all reality shows are like this, but a lot of them are.

Anyway, like I said, not really a fan.  But I do watch some reality shows.  I used to watch the Gordon Ramsay one on Fox where he yelled at everyone for no reason.  Wait, they’re all like that?  Well, I forget which it was.

Now, though, there are two reality shows that I watch regularly: Celebrity Apprentice and Shark Tank.  They have little in common other than that they star powerful rich people.  Celebrity Apprentice is in its umpteenth season (that’s not a number, but I know it’s been on for a while) and Shark Tank is in its… third season?  They’re only like 10 episodes seasons or something.

Without further stupidity, let’s begin the overanalysis…

Celebrity Apprentice

The Celebrity Apprentice stars Donald Trump as himself with his grown children, various cronies, and haircut in supporting roles.  It’s an off-shoot of his former show The Apprentice, in which Trump runs a series of business-related exercises to find a winner and make that person his apprentice.  In the celebrity edition, famous faces compete to raise money for their respective charities.

From a format standpoint, the show actually works pretty well.  Though a lot of the celebs are of the washed-up, “get me some TV time” variety, they’re all generally well-known and it’s fascinating to see if their public persona is true or plays well in a competitive environment like this.

The roster for this season is: Clay Aiken, Michael Andretti, Adam Carolla, Tia Carrere, Lou Ferrigno, Debbie Gibson, Teresa Giudice, Victoria Gotti, Arsenio Hall, Penn Jillette, Lisa Lampanelli, Dayana Mendoza, Aubrey O’Day, Dee Snider, George Takei, Paul Teutul Sr., Cheryl Tiegs, Patricia Velasquez

What made me watch this particular season was my interest in a few of the cast members, namely Star Trek alum George Takei, Indycar driver Michael Andretti, magician Penn Jillette, and TV’s original Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno.  I figured that, at the very least, seeing some of these folks in action would make the show watchable, even if the orchestrated drama got to intolerable levels.

The assigned tasks are mainly based in event planning and/or marketing, so some of the celebrities, while capable people with talents, didn’t prove very useful.  On the other hand, even some of the celebrities who performed well seemed destined for an early departure because they were unable to assert themselves and, in doing so, stir up the drama that a high-profile reality show requires.  It’s this delicate balance- you need to do well but you also need to be interesting (and misbehave a bit) while doing it.

Take two players who departed fairly early- George Takei and Michael Andretti.

From his decades on television and in movies as Star Trek‘s Mr. Sulu to his more recent status as a gay cultural icon and internet sensation (his Facebook page is always putting out great stuff, by the way), Takei seemed like an ideal pick for a show like Celebrity Apprentice.  However, he is also a 75 year-old man and while he seems pretty sharp and energetic, clearly he got confused or frazzled easily.  He is interesting, charismatic, and entertaining, but I personally don’t think I’d trust him to run a lemonade stand, let alone a task with hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake.

Conversely, Michael Andretti has spent his entire life dealing with the rigors of managing and driving for race teams- something that is more complex and unpredictable than anything that the Celebrity Apprentice staff could dream up.  Andretti was booted fairly early but oddly, not because of anything negative he did.  On a task that involved showing off a new Buick sedan, he contributed some commentary but was chastised for not leading the task.  He was also easily the most soft-spoken and least “TV-friendly” of the cast, so it’s fairly obvious that he was simply cut because he wasn’t entertaining enough.  Again, that’s fine, but it’s somewhat misleading to frame a show as a well-defined competition and then drum up reasons to have Trump cut him loose.

Racing legend, 42 Indy victories, not good on TV.

Compare Andretti’s odyssey with that of Teutul, who is more of an engineer and mechanic than he is a television presence.  However, unlike Andretti, Teutul has spent a lot of time on television as one of the stars of American Chopper and, as a result, has at least a cursory understanding of how to play to a reality TV audience.

As Celebrity Apprentice moves along, the typical dramatic archetypes emerge, and this is what really fuels the drama (even if it is heavily edited and orchestrated).  Aubrey O’Day (a mid-20′s model/singer/something) and Lisa Lampanelli surface as heavy-handed creative leaders, Lou Ferrigno and Dayana Mendoza are mindless workerbees, and (interestingly) Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken strike up a friendship/alliance as regular guys.

The Hall/Aiken alliance isn’t all that shocking when examined, though, as the two really cement themselves as the “every man” characters, commenting on the chaos around them and not getting too caught up in the emotional sludge of any given situation.  Hall lets his emotions get the best of him on occasion, but his bright disposition and genuine wit eventually lead him back to a path of sanity, even when confronting O’Day about her tendency to take all credit.

Aiken, on the other hand, rarely deviates into any sort of lunacy.

American Idol runner-up and worldwide music star Clay Aiken is close to the most surprising aspect of this show (aside from Penn Jillette’s role, which I’ll get to).  Aiken is almost Gomer Pyle-esque in his “aw shucks” persona and southern boy friendliness, and it is either a genuine character trait or he has gotten alarmingly good at faking it.  I’m leaning toward the former, particularly since his strong work ethic correlates to it.  He is the most likeable of all the cast members (or, appropriately, cruises just behind Andretti), and even on the rare occasions where he gets frustrated, he does so in a controlled way and later laments his (mis)behavior.  I knew very little about him prior to seeing him on here and, while I doubt his music is my kind of stuff, he’s earned a lot of my respect here.

Despite the haircut, generally a normal kind of guy

But of all the cast members, the most befuddling is Penn Jillette.  Jillette has worked in television before, but mainly makes a living as half of the magician duo of Penn & Teller, who earn millions each year performing in Las Vegas and around the world.  Unlike most of the cast, he is really as famous now as he’s ever been, and (as Trump comments in an early episode) he is giving up millions in performance fees to go on Celebrity Apprentice to earn just thousands for his charity (he even departs a few tasks to go perform).   Indeed, a $50,000 prize for winning a challenge seems like a pittance compared to what Penn could earn in his day job, and one has to wonder if he’s doing the show simply as a means of trying something new, in a social experimentation sort of way.  He has worked with think tanks in the past and has taken semi-active roles in political and socio-economic discussions, so having a curiosity about Trump’s show wouldn’t be all that surprising.  Still, it seems oddly beneath him, and he sometimes slips into what Aiken defined as a “condescending attitude” during tasks.  He acts as if he’s the smartest guy in the room because, really, he almost certainly is.

Both probably richer than Trump right now

[Side note: It's always fascinating me that the primary gimmick of Penn & Teller's act- namely that Teller never speaks- is still ongoing at this point.  The pair have been performing together for over thirty years, and still Teller is a silent performer.  Meanwhile, Penn is doing interviews on CNN and a litany of lucrative side work.  Teller can't even do a radio interview.  One has to wonder if he is jealous of Penn in any way, or if he's far more content to be silent.  In a way, he's found a loophole to fame- no one comes to him for any commentary or bugs him for interviews because he has built his celebrity persona around silence.  Maybe Harpo Marx started it.]

Overall though, the show’s weirdest element is Donald Trump himself.  Ignoring his ridiculous hairline (the whole world knows he’s balding, yet he keeps up this facade) and similarly ridiculous orange-tinted faux tan skin tone, he still seems like a somewhat confused old man trying to mediate a discussion he doesn’t quite understand.  His boardroom interrogations come off as if someone has explained hours of drama to him in two minutes, and he spouts generalizations and half-informed commentary in hopes of spurring an argument.  Even more unsettling, though, is the way he gets caught up in meaningless details like Dayana and Aubrey’s youthful sexiness and Arsenio’s wardrobe.  Indeed, nearly any other context in which a seventy year-old man is doing this would be grounds for some sort of legal intervention.  Furthermore, even his introduction at the start of each task borders on ridiculous (I mean, honestly, it’s laughable when Trump calls Walgreens “a great store”- are we really to believe he’s ever shopped at one?).

Clearly buys a whole lot of Cheetos at Walgreens

Trump’s persona is far more caricature than character at this point, and even his 1980′s and 90′s identity of the rogue millionaire business mogul has been done repeatedly better by the likes of Richard Branson and Mark Cuban (the latter of whom I’ll get to in the Shark Tank analysis).  He was once oddly likeable in a Gordon Gekko “greed is good” sort of ridiculousness, but now his act seems desperate and his golden palaces seem like pathetic over-trying.  His presence as mediator does little more than bog the show down (at least up until he actually fires someone) and the boardroom drama seems like a weak derivative of the drama captured (or created) by tactful editing during the task itself.  One has to wonder if the show would be spiced up more by handing the star role to one of his grown children or cronies, or even some sort of wildlife creature (my vote: grizzly bear).

Overall, the show works… sort of.  Trump’s presence gives the whole thing an unevenness, and the last part of each episode seems like a grinding halt compared to the break-neck pace and drama that precedes it.  It really succeeds in spite of him.  The celebrities’ motivations are what drives the show- and it’s not their quest to help their charities.  Rather, they’re out to prove that they’re smarter than their colleagues, better leaders, and (most importantly) still extremely relevant forces to be paid attention to.  Whether that is petty or not is purely in the eye of the viewer, but it’s hard to say that it isn’t pretty darn entertaining.

Next time: Rich Guy Shows, Part Two- Shark Tank





From the Bar Stool: Tipping Your Bartenders

28 04 2012

This is the first of what I call “From the Bar Stool.”  It’ll be about bars or whatever.  Enjoy!

Note: I’m not a bartender and have never been one.  That shit looks too hard.

The idea of bartender tipping should be pretty simple.  A dollar a drink or 20% of your tab, whichever works out to more.  Simple.  Most people follow this or come darn close, which should really be okay.  Some will say that 15% is okay, and whether you agree with that or not, it’s not too bad.  Anything less is a problem though.  Nothing is an insult.

Any server or bartender will have stories about the times they’ve been stiffed.  You might need to ask more than once, because good servers don’t talk shit about their customers to other customers, even if they were really bad.  But yeah, they get stiffed.  It happens.  People can be awful to other people, and jerks stiff their servers.  Why?  It could be many things, but it’s usually pretty basic.  They see servers as someone lesser than themselves, and tipping as “optional.”  Not in this country.  Modern Drunkard puts it best:  “If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to be at a bar.”

You should buy food or drinks assuming you’ll need to toss at least another 20% on top of that.  But some people don’t see it that way- they nod fervently during Mr. Pink’s speech about tipping in Reservoir Dogs.

Oh yeah, WARNING: FOUL LANGUAGE.  It’s a Tarantino movie, so you should’ve known that already.

So he says it’s not his fault that being a server is a rough job.  Remember though, that Mr. Pink is a piece of shit.  Still can’t believe he survives at the end.  Anyway, his is a bad human attitude in any context.  So those people who don’t tip are assholes.

Bad tips, however, are a different case.  In the past, one could kind of forgive the people who were shitty at math, even though 20% in your head or with a pen is some serious third grade stuff.  Now, though, every cell phone comes with a handy calculator.  No more excuses, people who are shitty at math.  Point two times the total equals the tip.  Takes you three seconds.

Maybe someone is just a cheapskate.  Yeah, yeah- the economy sucks.  Your home jewelry “business” isn’t taking off like you thought it would.  Your headshots cost more than you thought.  Great, stay home and drink some two-buck Chuck while gluing beads together and looking for gigs on Craigslist then.  Don’t come to the bar and tip $2 on a $22 tab.

Some might argue that “well, the service was bad” or “the bartender ignored me.”  Unless you killed their dog or something, the bartender doesn’t really care who you are, so it isn’t personal.  They’re busy, not ignoring you.  They have things to do, even if the bar isn’t slammed with people.  They’ll be nice or at least civil to you because, guess what, they have a boss.  Just hold up your end and it’ll be just fine.

Still not convinced?  Go to a bar early, when it’s empty, and watch someone set up a bar.  It’s like setting up a goddamn laboratory.  And doing dishes- that’s a bitch.  You know how you hate washing those three pans in your kitchen sink at home?  It’s that times a thousand.  (Yes, a lot of busier bars will have bar backs doing dishes or hauling kegs and boxes around, which makes things easier for the tenders but means they’re basically doing the worst tasks.  These people are saints, so be nice to them, but bartenders still do dishes sometimes).

And don’t give this line about “well all I had was beer- how tough is it to pour/open a beer?”  Right, it’s not that tough, but they’re taking the time to do it for you.  Stay home and open your own beer, then, cheapass.

Anyway, yeah, the goddamn laboratory.  So much breakable glassware, it’s amazing they don’t lose a finger or have hands like Bruce Willis’ feet in Die Hard every night.  Oh, and tons of ice, and you know that shit is cold… because it’s ice.  Everything gets wet too.  And cutting lemons and limes, that’s torture.  So you have all of these very delicate tasks that need to be done meticulously and while dealing with glassware that can break and become razor sharp.  And you’re always on a deadline.  Brutal stuff.

When the lab is set and the night is rolling, there’s not only all of this work to do to make sure everything is full and there’s ice and the keg isn’t empty and dishes are clean and so on, but also, of course, serving customers who are loud and drunk and possibly talking about your tits or their stupid job or their “swag” or whatever.  From where I sit, bartending is like defusing a bomb while a spastic crackhead shouts obscenities at you (wow, that should be a video game!).  So those tips are important, because when the rigors of the night are over, the bartender can at least take some solace in the wad of cash they accumulated in the process.

So yeah, tip at least 20% or a buck per drink (whatever is more).  Hell, you should definitely go more than that.  I go as high as possible without feeling like I am bankrupting my future children.  “Sorry Dan Jr., no college for you, I had to drop a $20 tip at O’Shea’s that night the game went triple-overtime.”

Thankfully I am a regular at a bar where the drinks are obscenely cheap and the bartenders always treat me like I just got out of prison (in a good way, like for a white-collar crime or something- they treat me like I’m special is what I’m saying).  Those places aren’t easy to find, but when you do, cement a good reputation and leave good tips.  It’s astounding what a few extra bucks on the bar and a nice attitude will do for you.





Starting up again…

23 04 2012

The podcast idea is all but dead, so I’m going to start using this space to write about anything and everything but baseball.  Hopefully someone reads it.  We’ll see.  Enjoy!





My 30th Birthday Party!!!!1!

19 08 2011
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Well put on your party duds kids, because your old boy Dan Port has survived to the age of 30 and you are all invited to help celebrate this momentous occasion.  Festivities will be held at Dan’s favorite hangout spot, Mom’s Bar.
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The fun starts at 7:30pm on Saturday October 1st. (no dinner, please put food in you beforehand)
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Let their friendly staff dispense beverages while you lounge VIP style in their spacious back room, which Dan has had the foresight to book months ahead of time. Show early and enjoy the last 90 minutes of their absurd 4 to 9 daily happy hour, or show later and wade through a crowd of drunk westside twentysomethings- it’s all good!
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Please feel free to bring non-jerk guests, and be prepared to make awkward drunken conversation all night long!  For those who are unfamiliar, when you get in the bar head to the back on the RIGHT side. Otherwise you’ll end up on the patio and I’ll laugh at you later.
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If you and I haven’t seen each other for a while, that’s cool, and that’s all the more reason to come by and celebrate.
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If you can’t make it, you better have a damn good reason.
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Those who inebriate themselves can always crash out at my place, which is a short cab ride from the bar. Safety first, kids. Hope to see you all there.




Casting Super Bowl XLV

2 03 2011

So this is a bit late, as we’re a couple of weeks past the Super Bowl, but hey, I was busy celebrating a Packers victory.

If Super Bowl XLV was made into a big Hollywood movie, who would (or should) be cast in the various roles?  I took 14 players, coaches, and executives from the teams and league, and tried to best cast the roles based on a few basic qualifications:

1. Appearance – I wanted actors who at least somewhat resembled the person they’re portraying.  Some are closer than others, of course.  For the players, athleticism is considered as well.

2. Acting Ability – Looks aren’t enough.  I wanted people who I had seen in other projects and who can hold their own as thespians.

3. Star Power – For the most part, the actors chosen are known enough to play in an ensemble cast about an event like this.  Some are well-known, some may not be, but overall I don’t think they’d scoff at being offered the role.

4. Age – I wanted actors who were fairly close in age to the person they were portraying.  Some are off a ways, but let the makeup department deal with that.  All ages appear in parentheses in the explanations under the pictures.

If you think you have better choices, leave a comment and get a conversation started.  And feel free to cast the rest of the roles.

Note that the team casting is a bit more Packer-heavy.  They did win, after all, so I don’t think that’s too unfair.

Also note that THIS IS ALL HYPOTHETICAL.  No movie is actually being made.

First up, the head coaches (2):

Green Bay Head Coach Mike McCarthy would be portrayed by Vincent D’Onofrio

Mike McCarthy - Vincent D'Onofrio

Mike McCarthy (47) is the heavyset ringleader of the Green Bay Packers.  He’s endured countless scrutiny from the national and, in particular, the Wisconsin media over the years, so it seems somewhat appropriate that he’s portrayed by actor Vincent D’Onofrio (51).  D’Onofrio, despite decades of work in television and film, is still best remembered as Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.  In Jacket, of course, Pyle endured the scrutiny of his merciless drill sergeant before finally snapping.  McCarthy tends to stay cool under pressure, so the similarities really end there.

Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin would be portrayed by Omar Epps

Mike Tomlin - Omar Epps (I think)

Call it the easiest casting decision in movie history.  A Google image search for Mike Tomlin (38) even turns up tons of pictures of he and Omar Epps (37) in a slash-image like the one above.  Beyond the striking physical similarity, Epps is a very accomplished actor with a variety of roles in television and films, including as athletes in The Program and Major League 2.  He’s now probably best known for his current role as Dr. Eric Foreman on Fox’s hit show House.

Second, let’s check out some executives (3):

Packers GM Ted Thompson would be portrayed by John Slattery

Ted Thompson - John Slattery

John Slattery (48) is younger and more handsome than bold and heavily-scrutinized Green Bay general manager Ted Thompson (58), but there is a shortage of good silver-haired actors in Hollywood and Mad Men star Slattery is the best among them.  The role isn’t an easy one if the movie portrays any of the drama that led to Thompson’s decision to end the Brett Favre “will he or won’t he come back” drama and lay his job and the future of the franchise on the shoulders of quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

Steelers President Art Rooney would be portrayed by Chazz Palminteri

Art Rooney - Chazz Palminteri

Chazz Palminteri (58) is a powerful actor who has a gruff demeanor and carries the perfect air of superiority one might expect from an NFL team executive (or a mob boss).  He wouldn’t have any trouble playing Steelers President Art Rooney II (58) who has been disliked by some but instrumental in pulling the Steelers back to greatness.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would be portrayed by Dylan Baker

Roger Goodell - Dylan Baker

Dylan Baker (51) isn’t a household name for most folks, but his face is likely recognizable from various serious and comedic supporting roles in everything from the Spiderman trilogy to Plane, Trains, and Automobiles.  His extremely complex and dark role as child molester and family man Bill Maplewood in the movie Happiness convinced me he could play pretty much anything.  Portraying the both lauded and vilified NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell (52) would be well within his vast acting range.  Plus, they look a bit alike.

Up next, the defensive players (3):

Packers Cornerback Charles Woodson would be portrayed by Idris Elba

Charles Woodson - Idris Elba

Idris Elba (38) is best known by many for playing Stringer Bell on HBO’s hit series The Wire.  He’s a British actor but, as Bell, proved that he’s more than capable of sounding like a homegrown American.  He’s an excellent actor and has the height, athleticism, and intensity to play Packers defensive back Charles Woodson (34), who was the 2009 NFL Defensive Player of the Year and delivered an emotional halftime speech in Super Bowl XLV after he was forced from the game with a broken collarbone.

Steelers Safety Troy Polamalu would be portrayed by Jason Momoa

Troy Polamalu - Jason Momoa

Admittedly, this was a really tough one to cast, but it simply HAD to be done.  Reigning NFL Defensive Player of the Year Troy Polamalu (29) is of Samoan descent, and my examination into Samoan actors didn’t turn up anyone capable of really playing this role (though some might fit right in as offensive linemen).  Hawaiian native Jason Momoa (31) is not a particularly well-known actor, but I was familiar with his work as Ronan Dex on Stargate: Atlantis, and he does have the same general look and athletic build to portray Polamalu.  Camera work would have to minimize Jason’s 6-inch height advantage over Troy, but those are small potatoes compared to other physical factors (including hair, which would be converted from dreads to locks).  As for star power… let’s call it Momoa’s big break.

Packers Linebacker Clay Matthews would be portrayed by Armie Hammer

Clay Matthews - Armie Hammer

Despite the silly name, Armie Hammer (24) is a young actor who emerged as a budding star this year because of his duel role as Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss in The Social Network.  He has some acting chops, but he’d need to grow his hair out or get some extensions to accurately portray Clay Matthews (24), who is as well known for his long hair as he is for his devastating hits.  Matthews forced a key fumble late in the Super Bowl that helped clinch the game, and he was runner-up to Polamalu for 2010 NFL Defensive Player of the year.

Last, the offensive players (6):

Packers Wide Receiver Jordy Nelson would be portrayed by Channing Tatum

Jordy Nelson - Channing Tatum

This was a tough one.  Jordy Nelson (25) is far from an NFL superstar, but had a big game in the Super Bowl and was an integral part of Green Bay’s victory, so he deserves a role.  The problem is that Hollywood is extremely short on Caucasian, ATHLETIC young twenty-something actors.  I mean, seriously, nearly all of the notable white actors in that age range are scrawny nerd-types like Michael Cera, Jesse Eisenberg, or Shia LaBeouf.  It was difficult casting Aaron Rodgers for the same reason.  Channing Tatum (30), though I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him in anything (I’m not a big Step Up fan, shockingly), at least matches the physicality and would be able to play Nelson.

Steelers Wide Receiver Hines Ward would be portrayed by Brian J. White

Hines Ward - Brian J. White

Brian J. White (35) has played athletes in Mr. 3000 and the Dwayne Johnson football vehicle The Gameplan, so suiting up as tough-nosed Steelers wideout Hines Ward (34) wouldn’t be a big leap for the accomplished actor, whose credits also include roles in The Family Stone, Brick, and I Can Do Bad All By Myself.  In fact, White actually spent some time as a player for the New England Patriots and as a professional lacrosse player before getting deep into the acting game.

Packers Wide Receiver Greg Jennings would be portrayed by Anthony Mackie

Greg Jennings - Anthony Mackie

If you don’t know Anthony Mackie (31) from his stellar performance in last year’s Best Picture winner The Hurt Locker or his portrayal of Tupac Shakur in Notorious, you might remember him from his emotional performance as college football player Nate Ruffin in 2006′s We Are Marshall, so he’s no stranger to the gridiron.  He’s an ideal candidate to play wideout Greg Jennings (27), who spurred a Green Bay victory with a pair of touchdowns in the big game.

Packers wide receiver Donald Driver would be portrayed by Mos Def

Donald Driver - Mos Def

Aside from an obvious physical resemblance, rapper Mos Def (37) has carved out a nice non-music career as an actor in films like Be Kind, Rewind, Something the Lord Made, and The Italian Job and would be a solid choice for the role of Donald Driver (36).  It might be a tough task for him to tackle the heavy role of Driver, a former college track star who was raised in extreme poverty and went from a 7th round pick out of Alcorn State to the greatest wideout in Green Bay history.  Like Woodson, Driver was injured and missed most of the big game, but his leadership and determination are unquestionable.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would be portrayed by Ryan Gosling

Ben Roethlisberger - Ryan Gosling

A difficult casting choice, for sure, because short of Zach Galifianakis, there aren’t many pudgy bearded actors in Hollywood.  Also, despite the pudge, Ben Roethlisberger (29) is still an athlete and his turbulent history might require a top-notch actor.  Enter Oscar nominee Ryan Gosling (30), known for his roles in Half Nelson, The Notebook, and 2010′s Blue Valentine.  Gosling has also played a quarterback before, portraying QB Alan Bosley in 2000′s Remember the Titans.  He may have to add a few pounds, but the 6-foot one-inch Gosling is a perfect fit to portray Big Ben.

Packers quarterback & Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers would be portrayed by Zachary Quinto

Aaron Rodgers - Zachary Quinto

This is possibly the toughest of all the casting decision.  As mentioned in the Jordy Nelson selection, there is a huge shortage of young athletic Caucasian actors in Hollywood right now, so casting professional football players like Aaron Rodgers (27) is no simple task.  Fresh off his performance as Spock in the new Star Trek, Zachary Quinto (33) isn’t an obvious choice for the Super Bowl MVP, but he’s shown his acting range over the years and seems capable of taking a few hits from defenders.  After acting opposite Tori Spelling on So NoTORIous, you’d have to think he could handle anything.

So what other roles would you cast?  Do you have better choices than the ones I made?  Let me know in the comments.





Episode One! Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Oscar Picks

25 02 2011

Episode One!  Yes, it’s finally here (right click, save as, or click to stream mp3):

DAN PORT PODCAST EPISODE ONE

It’s about 37 minutes long and is about 35 MB big. (huh huh huh)

Show notes:

The full Charlie Sheen Alex Jones Show interview from TMZ is right here

And here’s Sheen’s $30,000 check to a porn star / prostitute.  Note that the bank manager misspelled verified.  Funny.

Check out Justin Bieber’s brutal CSI death scene here on Youtube (also, my bad, he’s 16)

The full list of Academy Award Nominees via IMDB.com

My picks:

Best Picture- The Social Network

Best Actor- Colin Firth (The King’s Speech)

Best Actress- Natalie Portman (Black Swan)

Best Supporting Actor- Christian Bale (The Fighter)

Best Supporting Actress- Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)

Best Director- David Fincher (The Social Network)

Best Writing Directly For Screen- Christopher Nolan (Inception)

Best Writing Adapted- Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network)

The Wikipedia page for the book Moneyball by Michael Lewis.  Probably the most important sports book ever written.








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